Saturday, Feb. 6

Still learning a lot of new things and trying to reframe this journey and give myself credit for all that I've learnt since the fall. Portions, calories, timing of food.
One thing that definitely is an easy way to manage over-eating and calories is fitness. I normally am at the gym 3-5 week but since the fall I've dropped it to less because of team sports and being... well... lame. Now I'm down to even less. When I'm in a bootcamp or into training for something I do really well with 5-6 times a week.
The simple solution is get back into it, 5 days a week, 50-60 of cardio at a time. I have no problem with this, it's my preferred lifestyle. But, now, I'm so BORED with the gym! Decided to not train for the half marathon in the spring (too much time commitment) and am so bored at the gym. I would prefer to not spend a lot of money on bootcamp so I guess I could do somethings different:
- try many of the group fitness classes at the gym
- train for a 10 km but focus on the fastest time ever
- go back to running outside as it's easier to run than the gym
- run with the Running Room on Sundays
- maybe some new gym outfits!
- using a schedule again to track how many days I work out in a week (and put it on the fridge like I used to do)


That's about all I can think about that doesn't cost any more money and will interest me.

This week coming up I'm on holiday so want to focus on eating smart a restaurants and getting lots of walking in. Enjoying good, healthy food in California!

Not doing good

Today was total binge - 1000 calories of chocolate, 3 bags of chips, coolwhip. Not good. Can't say I even enjoyed the taste of any of it. Well, the chips were tasty, but I was so full.
The longest I've made it so far is 3 days.
Well, if it's like quitting smoking it's going to be ROUGH. It will suck. Battling an addiction on many levels: physical, emotional, cultural.
I know I can do this. It's hard and I want to go back to my old ways but I'm not going to. Yes, this is going to be hard but it's worth it. Sick of being addicted to food. Goal: eat when I need to, when I'm hungry. For nutrition. Not for all the other reasons: habit, stress, fear, loneliness, happiness, socialization with friends, celebrations, enjoyment.
Note to me: this time next month you will have had a longer stretches on non-compulsive eating. Check out a meeting already :)

Trigger?

Seems like the nights I don't go the gym, or get out of the house, are nights I end up compulsive eating. Or really, really struggling not to, but 95% of the time I give in.
It started with having a happy day and just finished a great meal (all healthy choices decided upon last night) with a friend over lunch. Went back to the office and BAM! Bought two chocolate chips cookies. Then didn't go the gym (sort of knew I wasn't going to make it earlier today), then a healthy dinner, then extra bread, coolwhip, 2 cups cereal. None of this I needed.
I wasn't hungry for food, I had a filling dinner.
Something else was going on. Some feeling ??? not sure what??? is driving me to compulsive eat. It's taken all my effort to not go out and get a bag of chips and choc. bar.
I did weight myself today even though I had committed to myself that I was done with that. And of course, I hadn't lost any but I did feel ok about it. Strange. I did for the first half of the day. Still do now. More just mad that I weighted when I said I wasn't.
I compulsive eat when I'm happy, and also when I let myself down. Down for weighting, then the chips, then a spiral.
Gotta get to a meeting, I can see why I need group support to deal with this.

Three days!

I made it three days without responding to "my addiction". I've been reading Overeaters Anonymous (OA) blogs and two of their books, and this fits me to a t.
I admit I have a problem that a diet or restrictive plans can't solve, and that any amount of will power can help. I pride myself on having very strong ability to meet the majority of my goals in life and many of them have been long term that require a lot of work and dedication. Which is why not being able to lose/maintain weight has really hurt my self-esteem because I feel like I keep letting myself down.
Based on what I understand about OA so far is that the first step is to admit I have a problem and surrender my power over that.
I really like what OA is saying and it makes sense to me like nothing else does.
After reflection on this, I ready to say that yes, I do have a problem with compulsive overeating and food is my addiction. I want to break free of the obsession with food, calories, body image, counting calories... I want to be addiction free. And not feel like I'm "bad" or "good" depending on what I eat that day.
I have a food plan that I will stick to and indulging in "treats" or unexpected food is a slip off the wagon and feeding the addiction. I realize all addictions are two steps forward and one step back and I accept there is a cycle and I'm going to slip up at some point. It's part of the process.
I had 3 days "sober" and yesterday a.m. because of a scheduling nightmare and a migraine, I bought a box of smarties and ate it. This time, I didn't feel like a "bad" person and learnt from it that those situations are my triggers and need to watch out for them. The rest of the day I stuck to my food plan and success in a social situation with the bar and food I stuck with the plan.
Goal is to attend an OA meeting soon.

Made it!

Last night I made it two days without straying from the plan. So proud of myself to not have wings with the team, and it didn't kill like it usually does. Before, I'd be "good" but the next day do really bad just to make up for missing that "treat".

I am a food addict and I do not want to be a slave to the addiction anymore.

Tonight is a challenge to stay home, not do anything but relax, and not mindless eat. Also, feeling some emotions of stress and I'll work thru them, rather than eat them down. Food will not make me feel less tired, or solve my stress, or financially help me.

Feeding the dragon only makes it stronger.

Today will be day three addiction free!

Almost made it two days

But the day isn't over yet! If I don't have any cheats tonight, it'll be two days in a row.

Read on bitchcakes blog last night, "it's not what you eat, it's WHY you eat". Thinking about how that relates to my life.

Couldn't make it two days...

Without "cheating". Did well on day one of a work course with free lunch. Said no to all desserts and snacks. Day two was planning on doing the same, but then WHAM! Out of no where had two desserts. The unexpected cheats are harder to deal with. A craving is one thing, but something so unexpected and unplanned it's what getting me every time.

I think I was bored with the class and stressed about missing work.

Well, today I said no to free muffins and goodies at a meeting, so I'm back to Day One. By not cheating tomorrow - day two. This would be a big deal. I haven't gone two days in a row in over a year.

I'm looking at food like an addiction and I remember how hard and difficult quitting smoking was. Food is the same: cravings and unexpected slip ups. But, it took me 2.5 years to successfully quit smoking so this is no different. Maybe harder because it's socially acceptable.
Next log in will be day two or three of no addictions.